Phosphenes

" A hero is someone who has given his or her life for something bigger than oneself.
Heroism consists of being superior to the ills of life, in whatever shape it may challenge us to combat. Heroism was never about what you could do, it was always about what you did. It was about who you saved when they needed saving. "

I started this blog to write in a professional way. To give a direction to my writing and as you can see I have failed miserably in that. Now instead of writing professionally I'll write about what I'm feeling about different things.

I'm feeling really down at this moment. Uncertainty is what makes life worth living. Uncertainty is what makes it worth to give it all and push yourself beyond the boundaries but it is also the uncertainty which makes us feel tired and hopeless for the future.

I'm in one of those situations where you become completely hopeless for the future. There is always a way out no matter what the situation is, this line looks cool and easy to practice in theory but when it comes to real life, it's real hard.

Let's talk about the situation which has made me to be hopeless for the future. The thing about this situation is that almost every human being have been through this situation. Situation called "one sided feelings". It's one of the shitiest situations to be in, I tell you. And this ends with you being left in a dark and lonely place, all alone. Yes, you will be physically present between people doing all your activities but mentally you will feel exausted and trapped. There is no definite way out of this situation and it varies from person to person, this makes it even more shitty. Some people have casual effects of this situation, but there are people like me who feel severe effects of this. So severe that they have to write about it to let it all out. People handle these situations according to their circumstances, by taking advice from friends, from people around them and some privileged people can take advice from their family. But if we broadly see the picture then we can divide the people in this situation in two categories - first category consist of people who are okay with these feelings and opt to stay in contact with the person they have feelings for. Courageous people! They are the people who term one sided love as the purest form of love and take pride while saying that one sided love is their own and no one else have the right on their feelings, not even the person they feelings for. Salute to these people.
Second category consist of people like me who are not so good with these feelings and as a result end up being miserable. There is no pride for us in this situation. This situation is like self inflicted wound for us. So to heal we have to get away from the person we have feelings for, even if we don't want. If we don't, we'll never heal.

"One sided feelings are like untamed monster. If you let them loose they'll destroy you."

One sided love is not love. It's a battle. A battle against your feelings, your emotions, against yourself. You battle with reality in one sided love and fight for something which will eventually destroy you. It's a dangerous battle because you fight this while believing your fantasies, not in reality. It's a battle you can't win. A war you can't stop. It's losing over and over again.

"You put x+1 efforts for someone who puts at least x efforts for you"

One sided love is torture. You keep waiting for something which might never happen. You completely devote yourself to someone who doesn't even see you. You keep thinking about someone day and night just to know that you never cross their mind. It's like experiencing hell while you are alive.

One sided love is the road which leads to self-destruction. You loose your worth. You start to doubt yourself, things you are capable of, just because somebody didn't reciprocated your feelings. Your minor flaw become havoc for you. You start to feel like you'll never be loved because no one was able to love back. No one you truly wanted you.

These are the things one sided love is capable of doing to you. And they are not positive things.

"Love is the only thing in this whole universe which doesn't hurt"

Love is loyalty. It's commitment. It's reassurance. It's intimacy. It's depth. It's strength. Real love heals. One-sided love breaks. One-sided love is poetic term of suffering. It's poetic term of heartbreak.

You don't need to get your heart broken just to understand and feel the lyrics of the songs, okay.

This whole thing feels so negative. But we need to think positively in every situation. I'm not writing this because this shit hurts like hell and there is no way out other than to write about it. I'm writing about this because I'm positive that these days have come to pass away. I'm writing because it helps when you see how much you have grown.

More than anything I'm writing to let my girl know how much I have waited for her. How much I have endured for her. I write to show her that the sea which will be quite in the future was so rough in the past. I write to show her how hard I have climbed that dark, deep hole dug by one-sided feelings to feel the freshness of her love which is like the first breeze of the spring. The breeze which doesn't give new life to dead land and plants but fills them with hope for the future. I write to tell her that she was my hope for future, tiny ray of sunshine. I write to let her know that I was looking forward for her arrival in my life.

 People write to their partners after meeting them but here I am writing to my girl without knowing who she is, such is the impact of one-sided feelings on my mind.

I have been advised many times to start seeing girls. To start dating just to see how things go. I have tried many times but at the end I just give up because I can't date someone just for the sake of dating. It's all the game of feelings for me.

So, I just go with my own mantra. That mantra is :-

Few years ago, everything was different. And now that I look back, I realise that few years can do a lot to a person. A person can do a lot to other person.

This post is special. This is about a girl who once meant world to me. About a girl whose wonders were far more beautiful for me than the wonders of the seven wonders of the world, combined. About a girl who made me feel something that I never experienced before and also about a girl whose ignorance broke me in a way I never imagined.

Meri Kahani...Meri zubaani

In this post I'm going to talk about how it all happened. "The beautiful disaster", I like to call it with this. My story.

Brace yourself for a long post. I will take you on a journey on which I was crushed to dust and was made again to be the person I am today.

It all began in the ninth grade. Imagine a skinny boy wearing a school uniform which was slightly oversized, hairs with oil and perfectly combed, in short perfect mama's boy. The kind of boy who looks smart only to mom. I wasn't really social at that time, just minded my own business. I still do that but at much lower level. I was in the C section. All the students were given three choices to choose from - hindi, sanskrit and punjabi. Oh! I didn't tell you that I was in Bathinda at that time, it's in Punjab.

My father wanted me to take Sanskrit. He wanted me to learn about tradition and the language but I wanted to take Hindi because all the students who opted for Sanskrit were shifted to section A and in this way I would have got separated from my friends which I didn't want to happen. I was trying to convince my father so that he allows me to opt for Hindi. I was trying like a person tries to swim when he/she is drowning. But all of my efforts went in vain when my father came to know that I'm doing all this because of friends and I myself have more interest in Sanskrit than Hindi. So, what happened next? I found myself sitting in the section A the very next day. For a person I was at that time it was like I was shifted to a whole new world and I have to survive there. It was hard. I used to spend my time in the first half in the hope of meeting my friends in the recess and second half in the hope of going back to home. I was passing days somehow.  But one day while I was sitting with my head down a voice came "How do you remain so quiet?". When I looked up there was this girl who was trying to know me, that was the first time somebody talked to me in that class. I didn't want to interrupt my thoughts which were going on in my head, so I kept my reply short "I'm in a habit of this" but she didn't stop with this and we talked some more. Few days passed and I found myself noticing that girl quite frequently. I really liked to watch her. I  didn't know what was happening. The concept of adolescence was new for me in the books as well as in the real life. Some more days passed and my heart said to me "buddy, thanks to me you have started to like her" and that hit me quite hard. It was her nature because of which I fell for her. It's your character which dresses you not the skin that covers the bones. She never looked nice to me.  She looked like art, and art wasn't suppose to look nice. It was supposed to make me feel something and I felt something. Her beauty was a work of art but her soul was the holy grail and it was reflected in her nature. I fell for her hard because in my dreams she used to meet me where the stars dance around the moon. I used to feel her arms wrap my soul, while the night holds us both. I hated Justin Bieber back then because she was mad after him but I loved the enthusiasm with which she used to talk about him. I loved that smile and expression. I didn't try to tell her about my feelings because of the blunder I made in the sixth class while giving love letter to my crush which I forced my sister to write for me. I was afraid. After completing my high school I moved to a different city. I thought that this chapter has ended but little did I knew about the plans of the life for me.

Life wouldn't be life if it used to go according to us, always. Facebook was the new sensation. A new way to stay in touch with people. We became friends on facebook. Initially I used to message her a lot asking how is she, how were the exams but never got a reply.  After sometime I stopped texting regularly but used to send on festival days, on new year, sending her my wishes but again same result, no reply. So, I stopped doing it and accepted that it's over. Life went on. Almost after two years I received a message from her wishing me "Happy Birthday". It's kind of funny how life can change, can flip 180 in a matter of seconds. Life is about the unknown, but still, we try our best to act as if we understand the parallels between the things we want and things we need.

I was awestruck. It happens when something happens which you didn't expect to happen. The relation which I thought has ended had suddenly grown possibilities. It's quite astonishing how a very small thing about the thing which you care can give you hope for the future. I started to believe that it's time to start something new. I started to believe in the magic of beginnings. I started to forget the messages which she didn't reply as if they never existed. I started to forgive her for not seeing my efforts earlier. I started to believe that for once I should lower my boundaries and give it a shot not because everyone else in my class was trying to get into relationship because it seems quite fun but because I really wanted to. After all, she was the only girl I knew at that time who could reach inside my chest and steal my beating heart with her bare hands and I wouldn't even resist. So we started talking. Every single day began with a message and ended with a message to her. We talked about a lot of things. About life, interests, her writings. About our favourite food and places we would like to visit. About shattered hopes and shiny dreams. It felt heavenly, as if it was the most unbelievable thing which can happen to me. After spending some time with her I realised that she is not the same person I used to know. She was changed in a good way and I was loving the process of accepting and knowing this new her. This was the moment when my liking for her caught fire and the warmth of that fire travelled in my whole body. I fell for her hard. I didn't just fell for her. I fell into her. She was an ocean, and I fell in, drowning in the depths of who she was. Like she said, it was scary in a way, but it was also the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. She was one of the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. That's the thing about time, it changes not only rocks to sand or barren land to forest but also people. Some in good way and some in bad way. I discovered her good change but I was yet to find her bad change.

Few days passed and I came to know that she has deactivated her account. Again I was awestruck. I was feeling helpless because I couldn't think of any reason because of which she could have done that. I tried to contact her on Wattpad and got a reply from her brother. Got a label of "cheesy person" but that was not the thing I was concerned of. I wanted to know how she was doing. Truly liking someone with all of your heart does that to us. Our feet will always want to walk in the direction in which that person is sleeping to take away their scars and pain and make them feel light. To kiss their forehead and whisper sweet things in their ears and just see them. After some explanation I got my answer "She is busy". I kept repeating that sentence to myself for next few months, didn't want to think of any other reason. After few months she showed up. She had this habit of deactivating her account regularly. I didn't know when she will be back online again so I wrote all the things I had in mind for her. I wanted to let her know that I liked who she was and I will like who she will be, that I cannot guarantee her sunshine, but I can promise to stand beside her, no matter how hard it rains. As I suspected she told me that she was going through some shit. She shared with me her Instagram handle and again I started to hope for good future. No one built fire like she did. No one fell into that fire like I did. I tried my best to make her feel better by telling her some comical experiences of my life. You do things which you never imagined yourself doing for the people you really care for.

The very next day she replied to me in a really rude while we were chatting and we had an ugly fight over that. I was hurt. My heart was bruised all over. It was not her reaction but her words to question my intent that crumbled me. I was hurt because I was putting my time, energy and was wishing for her well-being but she didn't respect any of it. I tried my best to believe that she must be going through some serious shit to say those things but I failed. That was the first time I had tears in my eyes instead of smile on my face because of her. I remember that I was sitting on the bed, crying, seeing myself in the mirror and trying to make faces so that I can make myself smile again. Life can get real hard sometimes. They say that men are tough, they don't cry but I'm a different kind of man. I believe that crying doesn't make you less of a man rather helps you to improve. If you can't feel your pain then how can you understand someone else's pain and console them. It's important to feel pain and let it out. We didn't talk for months after this incident. Never received a text from her. I was fine by this because it was always me who invested in that bond. I knew that she don't care.

I was busy in my life but one day I messaged her to know how she was. Thinking of her was a poison I used to drink often. Everyday there was some rape case in the news and that kind of triggered me to message her. When somebody cares for you, it is so apparent - in their words, in their gestures, in their actions, it is obvious. I wanted to make it obvious for her. But this time something was missing in my message. My message was less intense. My words carried less value. Then I noticed that my ego has come into play. When mutual understanding gets replaced by ego in any relationship that's when that relationship starts to deteriorate. I received a message that "I'm fine. That's so sweet of you" and it became silent for next few months again.

After sometime I decided to end this bond which was there just for the name's sake. Life is too short to waste it in relationships where you spend more time arguing, ignoring than you do laughing and smashing nasty bits together. The hardest decision one will ever make is whether to walk away or to try harder. I chose to walk away because no matter how hard you grasp, sometimes your greatest liberation is in letting go. I started to form my last message to her. I do it for every person who seems to be slipping away from my life. It's my way to pay them tribute for occupying some space in my life, even if it was for short period of time. It was painful to write my last message to her because she was the person with whom I imagined my future. She was the person for whom I produced the purest feelings I have ever produced. In the end, we all just want someone  who chooses us over everyone else, under any circumstances. It was painful because I always chose her and she chose me sometimes. It was painful because I liked too hard and I liked too long. A little on the crazy side and sometimes in the wrong. It was painful because letting her go was like watching a child lose his balloon to the sky, it's beautiful because now the balloon can reach the greatest heights but it was tragic all in the same breadth because that balloon was losing the child who loved to play with it. It was painful because it was Clay who was writing his last message to the girl whom he believed his Hannah but he was wrong. Even though my liking for her decreased exponentially I cried so hard that night, even my angels felt uncomfortable. I have cried only twice like that in my whole life. After all, it was a goodbye message. The balloon was getting freed, now it will be able to see the whole world from above but won't be able to see that child again.

After reading my message she asked me to talk and we did talk but it was way too late. The grip on the thread was loosened and the balloon had reached new height with help of the wind.

That's my story. The beautiful disaster happened with me. But it doesn't end here.  It doesn't end with her. It ends with me. How this totally transformed me into the person I am proud of today. It seems to be sad but it ain't sad. It's my story after all.

Always Choose People Who Choose You.

Even in pieces, she was still one of the most beautiful human I have ever known. I was more myself with her than I had ever been before. A butterfly freed from it's cocoon. A wild flower dancing in the mind. A shooting star unfurled in her arms. We need to understand that not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they have given us. We cannot go back in time and fix our mistakes, but we can learn from them and forgive ourselves for not knowing better. Sometimes our biggest disappointments lead us to our biggest blessings.

Hey BK!

Hope you're doing good and drinking less alcohol.
There are very less chances that you will read this, still I will write this to you because my story will be incomplete without my words for you.
There were times when I needed your help and support more than anything else. But I didn't get them. You left me alone in the rain thinking you are helping me but you did quite opposite of that. It's okay that you left me in the rain. I was sown in the earth, water only helped me grow. I don't remember at what point I changed, but I did change. I quit looking at the things I could have and began looking at the understanding I could have, genuinely liking someone does that to you. I began to see everyone more clearly, the truth about people. You did something for me which I was unable to do for myself. You helped me to find myself. The times when you didn't treat me right were dark. You know what's the funny thing about the darkness - it gets defeated by the simplest shimmer of light. After being in darkness for quite sometime I have learned that darkness is just another shade of hope. The light within you is always there. The times when you treated me wrong were actually an invitation for me to reclaim my worth. Pain was not my enemy, pain was my teacher. You are quite badass, atleast you seem to be. The time when you fought for the girl who was getting body shamed, I really liked that . From you I learned to care less about what other people think of me and more about what I think of myself. After reading your writings I realised how far I have come and I remembered the times when I thought things were such a mess that I would never recover. I realised that I'm so awesome, in so many ways. I don't offer small talk, fake feelings or giving-up on dreams. What I offer is infinity. Long talks, genuine feelings, crying together and smiling by seeing the weird face of each other while crying. My aura is infectious. I started to radiate love, life, femininity, masculinity, sex, youth, happiness, healing, health, strength, duality. I became my own healer, protector, opponent, muse. I became the type of person who can make others feel like the sun is shinning strong in the middle of the night. After being with you I have become more positive because of this positivity a void didn't form in my heart when I was letting you go. I started to believe that somewhere in the world there is someone looking up at the same moon and the same stars, praying to find someone exactly like me. I didn't just jumped into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship or out of loneliness. I realised that loneliest I will be when I will not have courage to love myself. Now, I don't want my girl to be a moment. I want her to be more than a moment in life's timeline. I want her to be million different moments that fill my forever. I learned to never lose how I love and I'll find who deserves to keep it. I learned that external beauty won't be enough for me. I'll need someone who will notice the storms in my eyes, the silence in my voice and the heaviness in my heart. Those are the ones I need to let in. No one else.

Just know this that I will not hate you for not choosing me even when I chose you every single time. I will always cherish the experiences I had with you.

Thanks for everything. Tears or smiles, hope or despair.

If you ever read this just know that I was offering you rose on the 7th February 2019. Not the red one but the white one for ultimately giving me peace and for being my home for sometime.

The end of my journey of transformation. 

Subject - A letter to my "The One"

 I don't know whether you will read this on your own or I will make you read it, whatever be the case-

Hello there Sweet heart!

This has been a long time waiting. I've had quite a bit of ups & downs, pain & suffering, mostly self-inflicted wounds on my way to you. I don't know if we've met yet, or if you're going to be coming in my life, but I know that I am excited and wish we could have spent this time together. I'm writing this to let you know how I felt before you came along.

I have heard people talking about how there partner should be or what specific qualities they want him/her to have and here I am who has no idea how his "the one" should be. I think by deciding how your love should be even before meeting them acts as a barrier in completely accepting the person that they are coz they might be different in some or lots of ways. It is not upto us to determine when our romantic partner will arrive. Love does not come in one kind of package. We limit love by saying "you're not welcome here unless you look a certain way or have certain qualities." This belief perpetuates a feeling of emptiness - rather than the recognition of our true wholeness.

I will celebrate your uniqueness with you, the grand festival that you will be. To love someone means to help them reveal the greatest version of themselves. Treat a person as she is and she remains as she is. Treat a person as she could be, and she will become what she should be. I will treat you in a way which will help you to become what you would want yourself to become. I really want to see who you are right now but I can't. The things that our heart deserves will not arrive quickly but they will when we are ready.

The day we find each other, I don't want myself to fall in love with you instantly. That will be no fun. I would love to walk in love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way, embracing every moment I spend with you. Before actually getting a chance to keep my lips on yours I would love to wish to be the pen which you are chewing, before actually getting a chance to put that strand of hair which is coming on your face behind your ears, I would love to just stare at you and say to myself that "Damn! How can just one strand of hair make her so much more beautiful. This girl is trouble." Like we cook the food items on the low flame so that they absorb all the spices and things properly and get cooked completely, in that way by these events I would love to fall in love with you slowly, completely. I will fall in love with you the way rain falls on the first day of summer. Recklessly and unexpectedly. I do believe in faith and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I will choose  you, in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I will find you & I will choose you.

When you love someone, they become a part of who you are. In your head, they are in the disco with you when you're listening don't you need somebody, they are there to offer you shoulder when you are listening kuch is tarah or in the bed with you while listening love me like you do. They're in everything you do. You know their dreams because their nightmares pierce your heart & their good dreams are your dreams too. You know that they are not perfect, you know their flaws, the deep-down truth of them, the shadows of their secrets, and they don't frighten you away; in fact you love them more for it, because you don't want perfect. You want them. That's the beauty of love. That's why love is called the most unselfish thing not only in this world but any world.

I firmly believe that it's the small, little things which seem to be insignificant make any type of bond more significant. They are the one which lay a strong foundation for the life-long relations .
I will always be one call away. If you will need someone to talk to. If you will need someone to listen to and understand you. I'll be someone who will look at you and know that you are good enough. Someone who will not let you struggle on whether or not you're worth it, because you will be. Someone who will never see you as too much of this, too much of that, someone who will embrace all your experiences and know that if it wasn't for them, you wouldn't be as strong, as incredible.

I'll be someone who will never make you feel like you have to be my monumental idea of who you should be. Someone who will understand that the way you talk, the way you dress, the way you carry yourself is what makes you unique and unique is beautiful. Someone who will look at you, love your bad parts as much as I'll love your good parts. Someone who will stay with you during the stormy days and assure you that things will better. Someone who will inspire you, encourage you, push you beyond your own limits. Someone who will never let you give up on your dreams or on yourself. Someone who will trust your talents and abilities when you can't trust your own. Someone who will never let you cheat on yourself or your parents. Someone who will love you at your most critical moments, even the moments when you can't love yourself.

I'll be someone who will see beyond the outer, who will see smart, beautiful person who fiercely fights to enjoy life. Someone who will recognise you and your strength.

I'll be someone who will see you and know that you are worth so much more than meets the eye. Someone who will love you in your entirety.

Maybe our love won't be like they show in the Bollywood movies. Maybe there won't be a grand ending, an airport run, me saying " palat palat palat" and then you'll turn. Maybe it'll be as simple as breakfast on a weekday. You'll be drinking coffee or tea, I'll be eating cereal, I'll look at you, you'll look at me and we'll just know.

I will kill the spiders and ask you to fight the lizards for me. I literally hate them. I will share my fries with you when you've finished all yours and are still hungry. I will snatch your burger when you would have half eaten it coz I absolutely love burgers, sharing is caring, no. I won't ever pop my collar. I will never be rude to your tummy when I hear it growl and gurgle. I promise to bend down and reply respectfully. I will eat the corn when we order the supreme pizza. I will kiss the papercuts, and the door-slammed finger, and the counter-bumped hip. Not because I have a special blessings from god to cure pain by kissing but to let you know that I care. Nothing satisfy us more than feelings of others. I'll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will let you win at arm-wrestling, sometimes. Other times I will not. I will smudge your lipstick by kissing but leave your mascara intact. I will go faster. Harder. I will pull when you want and tease you when you don't. I will treat you like you mean everything to me and tease you like you mean nothing to me and I won't be sorry for this. I will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. Not always. Not on schedule. Just whenever I want to. Whenever I think you need one or seven. I'm quite moody. I'll offer you t-shirt which I'll be wearing to wipe your tears and nose when you are done crying and give you a tight hug to make you feel better. I will hold your hand but above all. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you.

I will love your sadness, your passion, your chaos, your magic, your wildness, your laughter, your brilliance. Everything. Everything you will be.

So, until we meet have fun. Be crazy, get into trouble but not the big ones. Fall hard and get back up. Laugh hard. Cry when you need to. Do your thing. Make amazing memories so you can tell me about them. I'll need the help of your vision to achieve my dreams. So,I say here's to silly arguments and hot dates, here's to every place we'll visit and every sport&movie we will watch, here's to good and bad days, here's to exploring the world with you & loving you, here's to getting old together and never letting go.

Happily and patiently awaiting your arrival : you are fabulous and I love you.

PS :- Be ready to get your ass kicked for coming late in my life.